I am writing this blog to share my experience with the world in the hope that it could help others who have or are suffering mental illness. My conclusions on resolving mental breakdown are based on hard facts from personal experience of the extreme depths of the illness and the process of recovery. This begins from the moment of realisation that you have become multi dimensional and the need to return to reality as you cannot sustain in this paradoxic universe for great periods of time nor is the human mind accustomed to sustaining for long periods in that level of inner depth.
My most recent breakdown commenced in January 2016 and I can only describe it as unexpected and the culmination of intense and obsessive concentration on resolving issues within a failing business. I did not notice that I was not my normal self but remember having increased sensitivity to my surroundings as if I had become at one with the world, a deeper feeling of elation, not requiring sleep as if I was in a higher state of consciousness and as I remained in this state for prolonged periods I began to suffer side affects of arms clamming, shortness of breath, anxiety, panic attacks and paranoia. I believe I had initiated this state by deciding that to turn the business around it would require me to do something miraculous and thus I would have to approach it in a machine like way. I needed to become the business, live, breathe and understand every corner in every second. I was becoming more and more detached from myself and in hindsight was like an obsessed painter trying to complete his masterpiece without any care for himself or others.
My first breakdown occurred in 2002, I initially put this down to prolonged cannabis use but now believe it was a form of self medication for an illness which may have already developed and was assisting me to block out things in reality which I could not handle such as rejection, failure and lack of direction. It was triggered in 2001…
The 9/11 attacks had a profound affect on me just as it would have to others as I felt this was a calling not to do bad but to do good and in some way I needed to help to save the world from the evils that were occurring. As a student at this time I was spending a lot of time smoking cannabis and generally in deep thought theorizing about life. I was beginning to believe more and more that this was the beginning of a dangerous chapter for the world and I needed to investigate deeper and deeper into what was happening. I remember watching the movie ‘Unbreakable’ and feeling that may be I was here to do good and as I had survived such difficulties in my life that there may have been a super villain equal to me that I must defeat. I remember coming to the conclusion at this time that Osama Bin Laden was indeed my nemesis and that he was somewhat the ‘Mr Glass’ to myself. There were many things that justified this to me at the time and because of my mental state they made sense to me. An example of how I was drawing these conclusions is that as a child, I was nicknamed ‘Bin’ and I had felt that this was also a message from God that I would need now to go out and that fete would bring us to duel.
I suppressed these thoughts and continued to self medicate with cannabis and having met my girlfriend during that time, my relationship and love for her generally changed my perspective and gave me new impetus. I felt I had experienced real love and that she was my soul mate. We stayed together all the time and I had no need for anybody else or no care for what was going on in the world. This love and relationship gave me balance, made me feel happy and I did not need anything else. My girlfriend graduated and left university to return home but as I had not completed my degree and not concentrated on my studies I would need another year to complete it so moved back to my parents and attempted to complete my final year from there. Not having my girlfriend around meant that the protective love and relationship which had kept me from myself was no longer there and although we planned to marry, I was feeling pressured that I would not be able to provide for her. I wanted to provide the best for her and did not know what direction to take as I had no real career prospects without finishing my degree, did not want to run the family cornershop business and had no collateral to start any kind of sustainable business venture. I continued to smoke cannabis excessively and the problems continued to mount and I could no longer concentrate on my studies… I then suffered my first breakdown.
I remember the exact moment of the breakdown as I was in a nightclub in Manchester having gone with a friend who was a renowned DJ and was trying to explore every avenue for opportunity. I remember feeling a sudden judder as if there was really strong vibrations running through my body and I felt something in my mind just snap. I remember driving home after and not being able to sleep and then further more not being able to hold a conversation with anyone the next day. I had become interlocked in my own mind, in the existence of a fourth dimension that I can only describe was like being able to see reality but feeling that you are viewing it from inside of some kind of portal where there is also the real existence of your thoughts and memories. As if the two worlds had become intertwined imaginary and reality were now one.
My period of existence in multi dimensions at that time was around 3 weeks and I remember at least 1 week where I did not sleep for its entirety. The first point of the mental breakdown was like the beginning of an episode of 24, I experienced hyper sensitivity, the importance of time… as if the clock is ticking and something is going to happen and detached feeling from others. Combined this generates an increased sense of anxiety. My parents had no idea of what I was going through and felt it was something to do with my relationship to my soon to be wife and could not understand me but this did not bother me as I felt abstract and detached from them. The most difficult thing was that I could no longer hold a conversation with my partner and she could not understand me. I remember her saying you are not making sense and the pressure and intensity grew as nobody knew my mental condition or how to handle it.
In the alternative dimension, I was empowered and felt that I could see all time as if not just my life but the past and the future. I could see very graphic things such as massacre, prolonged suffering of people and I remember a very vivid picture of my then girlfriend in inept danger at some time in the distant future and that I needed to save her, like she was being savaged by beasts or demons. I remember then the period of weeks passed and my loved ones were all concerned for me, the recovery was not apparent and I remained in this state for a continued amount of time. The strange thing was that everything made sense, I had the necessity of purpose like Neo (Matrix). When you exist in this paradox no one on the outside can understand and you are unable to understand how you must appear to them. I can now see that this was the development of some kind of psychotic or schizophrenic episode from which I had escaped. In this dimension the only thing that made me want to escape was the love for my girlfriend and the longing to see her as in this dimension it had seemed an age (maybe like years!) since I had seen her but in real time this was only hours and days so any expression of this would seem strange to others.
Deep in my core there was an ounce of sanity which remained and I can only quantify it as being “Love” because it was that love for my girlfriend and knowing I wanted to be with her that continued to help me to travel back to the real world. Each assumption had to be countered with a correct and logical reason to complete the journey back so for example, I would ask myself is that demon real and the answer would be ‘no’ because in the universe in which she exists there are no demons. Then I would ask myself what about the people that were trying to hurt her and then I would answer ‘no’ because I spoke to her on the phone and she was fine.
I continued following this Boolean true/false statement for each thought until I was then able to return to reality. The following year I did marry my now wife and I did recover to run a reasonable life although the constant battle which existed never really went away as I was always tired from my thoughts and remained borderline depressed. The cannabis dependency did continue and then self medication with alcohol took over as a regular weekend release. I can see now it has always had an affect on my actions, decision making and relationships. I have not had a normal life during this period but I am proud of what I have achieved as nobody can understand the daily battle I encounter.
“We all have inner demons to fight, we call these demons, fear and hatred and anger. If you do not conquer them then a life of one hundred years is a tragedy. If you do, then a life of a single day can be a triumph.”
I like to think that over the following 13 years I managed to build enough of a defence mechanism that I was always cautious of my thoughts and built resilience against my demons. It led to me to having a family, business and generally growing older when I did not think I would. Bruce Lee died of a mysterious coma and was in constant fear of the safety of his Son… could he also have suffered from fighting his demons? and protecting his loved ones and been defeated in a parallel universe.
I am currently separated from my wife after my breakdown and resulting actions in Feb 2016 which I am currently coming to terms with and will provide more intel in my next blog. Thinking about the consequences of these actions and how had I received the right medical attention and through better awareness of mental illness I do feel sadness. However, if genius is borderline insanity then riding that wave let me know that most of the answers and great ideas exist within and to extract them we must go deep in the dimension which I have described only that this should be with balance and control.
Drugs, alcohol any excessive behaviour in pursuit of deeper meaning or pleasure is dangerous. It makes sense why so many great minds were flawed by excessive or abnormal behaviour. Throughout my future blogs I will introduce you to more and more of the concepts which I derived in what I now call dimension ‘i’ and the existence of the paradoxic universe. Also, I will explain in detail the profound consequences my actions have brought on me and those I love. I hope you can gain from this and if nothing else it helps me to understand what I have been through.