Internal Terror of the Poisoned Mind

How can I explain… I will try.

After my breakdown and incarceration to a mental asylum which I do not intend to name, I felt broken, trapped, deeply powerless and resident in the sum of all my fears. It was there that the personification of my inner demons returned to me…

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The image I found is a wonderful expression, credit to the artist. This is exactly how I felt 

Looking back now it was some concoction by my mind partly from the drugs I was being given, the trauma of the breakdown and proceeding incidents which occurred to get me there in the first place. I remember in ‘Donnie Darko’ there was a rabbit like creature and can only assume that it was this kind of mental disturbance and visualisation which had taken place.

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It was approximately 4am, I had not slept for at least two days and I could see in my mind, two eyes staring back to me… desolate, fixated and locked in a deep stare with my own.  My inner view was rotating around these eyes circulating and getting closer and then as I pulled out of the darkness the face of the demon became clear. It was like the face of Osama Bin Laden with the hair of Medusa the Gorgon, some strange half fictitious half human creature, It was laughing at me and then I could see it gritting its teeth. We were heading for a duel this is all that I knew.

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The demon arose from the water, elevating out horizontally and then as it rose to its feet I could see what it was. I thought about it for a while and then concluded that this was a message. God had become angry by the unjust Holy war being fought in his name and I had remembered when I broke down in 2002 as this was the duel that I had foreseen and it was going to take place. In my world, where paranoia had now stricken me so severely that I could here sounds that were not there (Like screams, closing of doors, crying, shouting), I felt I was being constantly been watched by surveillance through keyholes, lights, anything and everything (Will tell you more another time!). I have read of people who suffered schizophrenia and they refer to this kind of feeling of deep paranoia in which they are being watched I had this in an extreme way.

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So here I am in my world, I am being watched by them (?? Still don’t know who, must have been some kind of Big Brother / FBI / Aliens) I am not sure… The greatest show on Earth is about to take place as I go head to head with the beast. My theory was that Osama Bin Laden had been resurrected from the sea where he was placed in recent years after being killed and had actually been brought back in a demonic way (call it crazy! it was) and the Jihadist propaganda had been fulfilled.  This is what they wanted as it projected fear to the cause and was going to wreak havoc in the world.

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I remember I was transferred from one cell to another I was feeling deeply frightened and the mental asylum granted my request. I was moved to another corridor and there I began training, push ups, sit ups, jogging, intense shadow boxing. Ready to fight my demon, I kept chanting Waheguru (Meditation chat of the Sikhs) and this gave me strength. I remember that our Guru fought the Moguls and I could see that this was just a repeat battle in history that has been occurring over and over again in history.

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In all honesty, I have never felt so focused, determined and strong in my life. It was like I had super strength, I knew that fete would mean I have to fight this demon so nothing else scared me. The other inmates as frightening as they were did not bother me, I was walking just deeply focused and I think it intimidated them in my own way. They grew to respect me and actually listened to me, I thought about things and I knew that I need to act in absolute calmness and as a man of peace to counter the demon and there was a lot bigger things to worry about than a few loonies in a mad house.

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As the days passed, I always spoke with respect to the staff, inmates and any of the security staff working there. I was becoming stronger and my approach was with love and respect for others…. I kept seeing the demon and he was reciting satanic words, I just ignored his provocation. I still don’t know how a hallucination could be so real, but to me it was. I kicked a ball around outside with some of the inmates and again I could see him in the window or pacing around the main room of the asylum.

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As I continued to the third day without sleep, I remember that he was still very prominent, shouting at me, trying to provoke me, laughing and telling me so many things. He said ” people don’t know I am here, I have come back, you have brought me back”. I continue to smile at him, unprovoked… strong and exercising total peace and faith in God.

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I had been politely asking the nurses each day if I could see the head doctor as I should not be here, I understood that any abnormal, violent or aggressive behaviour would jeapordize any chance of seeing my children again and on the fourth day my wish was granted and a panel of doctors took me to a meeting room. I was interviewed by the panel and answered their questions. My sister came to see me and brought food for me and she said “see you tomorrow”.

I felt that the meeting had gone well and was optimistic that I might be able to be set free. The final evening was difficult, I remember one inmate smashing a chair against the wall right next to me. I went back to my room and spent time there, praying and then shadow boxing, then praying and just continuing like this throughout the night. The last thing my demon ever said to me was “See you in Egypt” I think about this sometimes and then ignore it. It is plausible that my demon is the personification of my fears and a character which I had created in my mind to deal with the trauma I was suffering.

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I think back to the movie Beautiful Mind, where John Nash had handled multiple characters (Agent Parcher as above for example) that were not real throughout his life. I had to accept that this is some kind of internal battle that I had fought. I was released the next day and was told I should never have been in there as I was depressed and this was an acute reaction to stress not a psychotic episode. My sister and parents came to collect me and I remember leaving there feeling I had just defeated my demon, It will be the greatest story of my life that I could never tell.

“Such is my recovery that I would attribute it to a good family support network, seeing my children were fit and well and the right mix of exercise and medication. I am no longer afraid to tell my story as it is exactly that and to me the greatest victory of my life.”

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I recently seen this DVD in a bargain bucket at the petrol station and I swear it warped me out and then I laughed to myself. If only they knew what that meant to me. Good luck with fighting your demons… If it comes to a head to head I hope this helps you. If I can help you in anyway please don’t be afraid to ask…

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